(RADIO STATION JINGLE)
WOMAN: (ON RADIO) And the weather forecast today is basically... rain.
MAN: (ON RADIO) Lovely stuff, Wendy.
And here's a man who has a lovely day, every day.
It's David Bowie!
Yes, you all smell. The washing machine is broken.
So we're a big stinky family, OK?
Thank God. I thought it was just me.
I like that we all have the same dank odour.
Like a group of otters.
- SINEAD: Otters? - DEBRA: Just looking for the positives.
A dessert storm? Yes, please!
That some tasty-sounding weather.
- Why can't I live in Iraq, Mam? - Nobody's stopping you.
I bet this whole Iraq thing blows over within the month.
He's got such good instincts on war.
Did you finish the new sign, love?
Yeah, lettering's drying outside in the garden.
MARTIN: Aliens in Boyle? Yes, please!
This is the best newspaper ever!
Crop circles my hole.
That's just this radio fella infiltrating everybody's minds.
I bet it was UFOs that broke the washing machine.
(DRAMATICALLY) Or, it could be limescale.
Liam, before I forget, the nursing home called.
We're behind on payments
- for Grandad. - Ah, yeah.
I'll just wire over some funds from my Swiss bank account.
(STARMAN BY DAVID BOWIE PLAYING ON RADIO)
It's grand. The money for the new sign will be in by Friday.
Is the new sign the one that Martin's donkey is licking outside?
- Ah, for feck's sake. - Right, I'm off to Iraq.
I'll just stay here and chat.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
# Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper
# Wait a minute, where's me jumper?
# Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?
Oh, no #
And then we have Pluto over here.
Lovely big planet.
Which, obviously, will always be a planet.
Hey, Padraic, have you heard about this crop circle stuff?
(SCOFFS) Have I?
I don't know, that's why I asked.
Yes, I have. And I haven't been this excited
since I enlisted to fight in Dessert Storm.
...the vast cosmic jacks that is the sun...
Hey, d'you wanna go to the magic field tonight
- and see if the aliens come back? - Do I!
- I don't know, do you? - Yes, I do.
(SNIFFS)
Is your washing machine broken, too?
Moone, whisht.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(PHONE RINGS)
Yello? What? I can't...
Your voice is so fast and high-pitched, I...
MAN: Your donkey's in the bank.
I don't know what happened. I'm really sorry about the mess.
Speaking of messes,
I was having a look at your accounts there...
Yeah, it's been a slow year, Kevin...
Not to worry, Liam. At least one member of the Moones
- is still making deposits. (CHUCKLES) - Ah, ha.
Even if it's from his arse. (LAUGHS)
Yes, got that, Kevin.
(EXHALES)
Come on, Donkey Kong. Come on.
(DONKEY BRAYS)
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
MAN: Password?
Uh, yeah. It's one, one, one, one, one.
Er, it's six digits, Gerry.
One.
(DOOR BUZZES)
I mean, if it's a secret meeting, we should take the sign down, shouldn't we?
- Well. (CHUCKLES) - Ah, Bonner.
- Glad you could make it. - I'm sorry I'm late.
I made the mistake of asking my boys
to wash my car for me.
Why'd that make you late?
Well, they filled the petrol tank with Fairy Liquid, to spite me.
I take it you've seen the paper?
- I have. - It's a PR disaster, Gerry.
This whole UFO nonsense is drowning out Boyle's clear tourism message.
(STAMMERING) You know, I think that's still too pushy.
Tourists are not going to come here if the place is littered with UFOs.
Now, they wanna go fishin', or walkin', or even prayin'.
But they don't wanna be feckin' abducted.
- GERRY: No, well... - (ALL MURMURING)
Well, the murmurs of approval seem to be with you, Mayor.
And, and it's sacrilegious.
There's no mention of Martians in the Bible.
It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and E.T.
MAYOR: Well, you're right there, Father.
All right, this Doctor Gnot has the whole town driven crazy
with his silly little radio show.
Listen, what can we do to stop him, huh?
Gerry, we are the most powerful men in Boyle.
- MAN: That's right. That's right. - And just outside of Boyle.
And we can do whatever the feckin' hell we like.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
No, but I mean, what specifically?
Let's shoot him dead.
Sorry, Frank, geez, I didn't see you there.
Oh, sorry, I was in the bog. Who're we talking about?
GNOT: (ON RADIO) Welcome back, fellow earthlings,
to "Believe It or Not", with Dr Steven Gnot.
Tonight we've asked, "Are we alone?"
Is this tiny planet of ours dancing solo in the giant disco of space?
I doubt it.
And so does... DeBurgh!
Oh, I can't wait to see an alien in the flesh.
- Or whatever it is they have. - Yeah.
ALIEN: Whee!
(LAUGHS)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
- (LASER SHOT) - Ah! Ah, my eye!
My precious, sideways-opening eye!
Oh, here, take one of mine.
- I poo eyes. - Ooh.
Where are these bloody aliens?
We've been here nearly ten minutes.
It's time to break out the big guns.
(SIGHS)
This should do the trick.
It won't come to that, Liam.
If they don't get his rent,
the nursing home will send Dad back to his own house,
where he'll discover baby Rose has taken his room.
And you know how he feels about babies.
He calls them "flesh devils".
LIAM: So they'll move back to the house,
and I'll have to hide out here, staring at my bloody idle hands.
Yeah, if there was only something useful you could do with your hands.
It's just hard to look professional
when you're pulling an animal out of a bank.
- (PLAYING XYLOPHONE) - BOTH: # Na na na na na!
# Na na na na na!
- (THUNDER CRACKS) - MAN: # Na na na na na! #
That tune is pretty effective.
We come in peace. Unless you're violent,
in which case, we leave in haste.
No fear needed, O fellow holders of inquisitive minds.
- You sound like that radio fella. - Your ears are as sharp as your hat,
my tinfoiled friend.
- We're looking for aliens. - I fear we are a night too late.
Grand. Think I'll head home, so.
- Yeah, my toes are catching a chill. - Yeah, me too.
Be not discouraged, my intrepid young imagineers.
Though tonight we have not been graced by the presence
of our galactic neighbours,
we are on the cusp of a celestial street party
the likes of which can only be imagi...
(THUNDER)
They... They've gone.
Oh, they've been taken up.
Oh, Steven, you always bloody miss it!
- (DISTANT XYLOPHONE) - PADRAIC AND MARTIN: # Na na na na na #
GNOT: Oh, there they are. Stop being so hard on yourself, Steven.
Oh, I left the bloody car lights on!
Good morning, Earth woman.
Good morning, Moone... boy.
That's actually a pretty cool nickname. Wait, where's Donkey Kong?
Has he escaped again?
MARTIN: But I tied him up really well.
Argh.
Bloody hell, Martin. He's always escaping.
(FLATLY) Argh.
Frustrating... is what it is.
Have you seen my donkey, mister?
He answers to the name of Donkey Kong.
Or any name, if you shout it at him loud enough.
Nah, I haven't seen him.
But I could do ya a deal on a blind and deaf goat.
- No, thanks. - OLD MAN: Your loss.
Whoa, whoa. (WHISPERS) How good a deal?
I just can't believe that he'd run away.
He was so happy here.
Seemed so excited about our future together.
Unless...
You didn't get rid of him, did you, Dad?
What? No, of course not.
I know how much you love Donkey Kong.
He's my best friend in the whole world.
Ouch. Ouch.
MARTIN: You swear? You swear on your grave?
- I don't have a grave, Martin. - Swear on Sinead's life, then.
Why do you always get him to swear on my life?
Last in, first out.
Look, I know it's hard, Martin, but sometimes things just...
- vanish. - What?
Grown donkeys don't just vanish. I smell a rat.
Ah, we all smell rats, though. That's just the otter odour.
- (SNIFFS) - This is me watching you.
- With my fingers. - Stop looking at me like that.
Now they're pointing over there. Oh, kettle!
GNOT: (ON RADIO) So you've been hit by lightning 17 times? Remarkable.
You're like a human lightning rod.
ROD: And it's especially odd, because my name is Rod.
GNOT: Rod, this is too mysterious. Tell me, what do you do for a living?
ROD: Oh, I fix TVaerials. On mountain tops.
GNOT: No clues there.
- More mysteries when we return... - It's such a shame
that all of these unusual events are in no way related.
(TWILIGHTZONETHEME PLAYS)
It's all connected!
Yes!
By those red lines you've just drawn.
Open my flippin' guts!
- I know where he is! - Really?
My donkey was abducted by aliens!
- (MUSIC ON RADIO) - Hiya, Liam.
- Gerry-atric! How's it hangin'? - Oh, long and limp, Liam.
But listen, I'm actually here on a bit of business.
The Town Council are in talks
to get some new street signs done this year.
- Aw, that's great news, Ger. - Oh, yeah, it'll be a real sign blitz.
I could use the money, to be honest.
Well, here's the thing, Liam.
It looks like we're going to have to go with
- Chinese imports. - No.
Oh, don't, Liam, don't. My heart is already broke with the guilt.
But the quality is so poor, Ger. You know Drumshanbo tried them,
and the signs turned up written in Chinese.
Oh, I love that song...
Well, thing is, we've crunched the numbers, you see, Liam,
and your prices are a little on the steep side, you know.
It would actually be cheaper to get the whole town
- to learn a little Mandarin. - What?
But fret not, Liam, there may be a solution.
Anything, Ger.
I hear that your donkey has been abducted by aliens.
- Jesus. - Yeah, well, the Town Council
are a little worried that tourists might be put off
if they think that Boyle has been infested with UFOs.
Well, that makes sense.
Well, they're an odd bunch, Liam, they're an odd bunch.
But I'm sure that if you were able to subdue that UFO story...
You know what? I might be able to, uh, pull a few strings, there.
No problem, Ger.
Hey, Martin, me old comrade.
Listen...
We need to talk about the whole donkey thing.
Amazing, isn't it, Dad? Front page.
What?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
MARTIN: I preferred the picture they used in the New York Times.
MARTIN: I can't believe they abducted my donkey
while I was actually out looking for them.
I mean, the one time we go out.
Feckin' donkey rustlers. Wonder what they're doing to the poor fella.
Who knows. Maybe everything in space is reversed. Hey...
Hey, what if Donkey Kong is their ruler?
What say ye, donkey overlord?
Yea or nay?
Hmm. (SIGHS)
Well, I think we know how that one goes.
Martin. Get in.
Come on, buddy.
What do I always say about getting in strangers' cars?
- That I should do it? - That's right.
Please don't kill him.
LINEHAN: (ON RADIO) Aliens, Bigfoot, the Lough Key monster.
It's all silly silliness.
Brought to you by Dr Steven Gnot.
GNOT: Actually, Father, the big G is silent.
LINEHAN: Big G will never be silenced.
So they're really going to import signs from China?
I think Gerry can swing it my way,
so long as Martin shuts up about feckin' aliens.
GNOT: (ON RADIO) And now for the counter-argument,
we have Martin Moone, whose donkey was recently abducted by aliens.
MARTIN: Thank you, Doctor, Father,
Mother, whoever's listening really. Great to be here.
GNOT: So, tell us, Martin.
How do you know that your donkey was abducted?
I just know.
Sometimes, ya just know.
Oh, so now you're going on faith alone. What kind of belief system is that?
And didn't you also see it happen?
Sure. Why not?
Uh, yes.
I did see it happen.
That's how I just know.
So now you saw it?
- Then enlighten us, Martin. - Shh.
- Tell us what happened. - That what we're about to do,
if you'll shut up.
I woke up in the middle of the night,
and I decided to go for walk in the garden.
MARTIN: (ON RADIO) The ship soared down over our garden, then stopped.
- Slowly but suddenly. - Whoosh.
Right over Donkey Kong.
A big massive UFO. Lights everywhere.
(WHISPERING) But totally dark.
MARTIN: But black as the night.
Emitting nothing but a deafening hum.
(WHISPERING) Which was completely silent.
Which made no sound at all.
(WHISPERING) Which was confusing.
Oh, listen to his florid, descriptive prose.
This is all your fault for encouraging him to read.
MARTIN: And once the donkey tractor beam
had consumed my majestic mule,
the heavenly craft returned to the stars,
as silently and loudly as it came.
(BLOWS AIR)
- (GLASS BREAKS) - (THUDDING)
What the feck?
Hey, lads.
SEAN: And so it was that Martin Moone became a celestial celebrity.
Well done for having your donkey abducted, Moone.
I can't take all the credit, lads. The aliens did their part, too.
He touched my hand!
(PHONE RINGS)
SEAN: But fame came with a price.
- 6-2-2-4-7. - MAN: (ON PHONE) We've got your dog.
Stop talking about UFOs or we'll kill him.
I don't have a dog.
Yes, you do.
A little black and white fella. Nametag says Benjy.
Aw, he sounds nice. He's not mine, though.
- Do you have any pets? - I have a donkey.
- We're gonna get your donkey. - But he's already been abducted
- by aliens. - Ah, for feck... (HANGS UP)
I was chatting to Beijing, there, this morning, Liam.
They've a dozen 10-year-olds with itchy fingers over there,
ready to go.
I told you, I'll handle the UFO thing, don't worry.
Be sure you do, Moone. This is a fine workshop.
It would be a shame if anything were to happen to it.
(LAUGHS DRILY)
What does that mean?
Uh, general disrepair, Liam, due to a lack of business.
(CHUCKLES)
(ALL LAUGH)
Why the laughing, lads?
- (PENCILS CLATTER) - Oops.
Sorry about that, Liam. Bloody work, huh?
See you at poker night.
Yeah, OK, thanks. Bye-bye.
So, the nursing home has discharged Grandad.
He's back at his house.
(GROANS) Oh, God.
Dad, does that mean he's better now?
(PHONE RINGS)
- 6-2-2-4-7. - MAN: (ON PHONE) We've got your brother.
- I don't have a brother. - (LINE GOES DEAD)
Oh.
- Hi. - Sorry. Wrong house.
No, wait. This is your house, Grandad.
Are you the squatters, then?
Kinda. We're family.
(THE EXORCISTTHEME PLAYING)
(PHONE RINGS)
6-2-2-4-7.
CORMACK: Yeah, hi, is this the residence of Martin Moone?
Is that you again? How's Benjy?
No, this is Cormack McCormack from RTE News.
I'm looking to speak to Martin.
I can tell him, if you're going to be a big girl about it.
I'll tell him, I'll tell him.
Martin, come in here! We need to talk.
LIAM: Martin?
I'm gonna be on television!
(SIGHS)
Uni-Foil hats! Get your Uni-Foil hats here.
- It's terrible. He's making a cod of us. - A cod?
Looks like you've got things totally under control here, Liam!
This is my sarcastic tone!
(MURMURS OF AMUSEMENT)
I feel a little over-dressed, Mam.
Well, all your clothes stink cos of the broken washing machine.
Where did I even get this?
I think you forgot to return it after you quit that chauffeur job.
- That's right. - See you out there.
Well, buddy, we had a fun fling with radio.
But now it's time to go hit on its big, dumb, sexy daughter.
Television, here I come, baby!
Last of the xylophones, lads! Last of the xylophones.
What do you think of all this UFO stuff? (CHUCKLES)
What's a UFO?
- (CROWD CHEERING) - (SCATTERED BOOING)
Martin, this is all wrong.
I can't let you do the interview like this.
The hat's too much, isn't it?
You need to know the truth about the donkey.
Do you know what a stud farm is?
Do I? I was raised on a stud farm.
Joke.
Shut up about the bloody UFOs!
Put down the gnome, Father!
Psst!
It's up to you now, Martin. Don't be intimidated.
Don't let them shut you up like they shut me up.
Oh, my God, they got you fired?
No. They just told me to shut up, so I shut up.
Well, don't worry, Doctor. Mam always says
I never know when to shut up.
Oh, I wish I had his courage.
- The truth will only prevail when... - Shut up, Dr Gnot!
I'm sorry.
And once the ship had enveloped the equine extractor,
it returned to the stars as quickly and slowly
and smoothly and awkwardly as it came.
Wow. That's quite a story, Martin.
I mean, you couldn't make it up.
CORMACK: The thing is, we have another source.
Who tells us about the night you say you saw the donkey being abducted.
- An informant, if you will, - (ALL GASP)
Who tells us that you were, in fact, out in a field, looking for UFOs.
An informant?
You weren't actually here at all, were you, Martin?
MARTIN: Er, no, I, er...
CORMACK: So how could you know that the donkey was abducted?
Or are you just a lying little culchie?
MAN 1: That's exactly what he is. MAN 2: Lyin' little culchie!
- (BOTH STAMMERING) - Well, we are culchies,
but we're not... A little bit maybe...
Er, no, I know, but, er...
Hit him, Martin, just hit him! Just push over the camera
and we'll run to the border! We'll make a new life in Leitrim!
No, I know they took him because... (STAMMERING) I knew they would...
- Because? - Because I told him.
- (CROWD GASPS) - Not his dad?
- Didn't see that coming. - Excuse me?
I told him about the aliens and everything.
- (CAMERAMAN GASPS) - And how would you know
that the aliens abducted the donkey?
Because...
- They abducted me, too. - (CROWD MURMURS)
Oh, you lucky bastard.
Er, they were sound, yeah.
Middle-aged, I'd say. No teeth.
Two heads.
When they were done with me,
the spaceship dropped me off at the house
and headed off into... space?
Liam Moone there, a Roscommon signwriter,
"abducted by aliens".
The main news again.
In Operation Dessert Storm... Sorry, Desert Storm...
I saw them, too, you know.
What?
- (LAUGHING) The aliens. - Shut up, you.
Well, I lost the sign blitz and disgraced myself publicly.
I guess things can't get any worse.
- (BABY CRYING) - Hiya, Daddy-o!
Guess who's moving back?
I wish I was back in space.
SEAN: Thanks to Liam's inadvertent advertising,
Boyle became a UFO tourist hot-spot.
(CHUCKLES)
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) ...Brogan's Pharmacy...
And the Town Council finally embraced its celestial selling point.
...Massimo's Pub, Massimo's Pub...
Though their new signs made it tricky to actually find the UFO sites.
Dr Gnot wrote a sci-fi bestseller, inspired by Liam's alien encounter.
And as a thank-you, the good doctor bought the Moones a new washing machine.
(SIGHING HAPPILY)
Told you it was all connected.
(DONKEY BRAYS)
I know that neigh.
Oh, and the donkey wandered home.
Well, I'll tell you something. Thank God for your field, Tony.
I mean, if it wasn't for the crop circles,
none of this would have happened.
TONY: You know, the funny thing is, Gerry,
the only reason there're circles here
is that I got a puncture on the Massey Ferguson
and I just couldn't keep her straight. She just kept goin' round and round.
Right, well, it's probably best if you keep that to yourself, Tony, huh?
(A SPACEMAN CAME TRA VELLING PLAYING)
# La la la la la la la la
# Peace and goodwill to all men
#And love for child
# La la la la la la la la
# La la la la la la la la #